All I need is time

Lately, everyone in my life has been prying in my love life…
At first, it was all in fun and I took it all with a grain of salt. One can only take so much meddling though.
Then, shit sorta hit the fan 2 days ago when some stuff went down (that I would rather not recall) with my so-called father. And, it just brought everything to terms for me.

….All I need is Time.

Time to think. Time to grow. Time to get shit together. (More) Time to heal.

Last night, in conversation with my best friend, I came to the realization how much of an effect my parents divorce, and more specifically my dad’s treatment towards me has actually had on me.

He’s the reason why I’m afraid.

He’s the reason why I’ve lacked self-confidence for so long.

He’s the reason why I can’t trust anyone, even myself.

He’s the reason why I think NO ONE loves me.

He’s the reason why I always push everyone away who start to love me.

He’s the reason why my heart is so jaded.

And, until I can figure out a way to get over all that…I can’t be in a relationship. I want to be able to let you in. I want to be able to give you all of me.

All I need is time. Time to find that one person who is strong enough to hold on to me. Don’t let me push you away.

25

This is apparently the year of all years. 25. Quarter of a century lived.

Sure, I planned to have a lot more accomplished by now. I hoped to have my own cafe & bakery by now. Or, on my way to being a history teacher. Or, at least have my life all figured out career wise.

Sure, you might look at my situation now, like I’m a cashier with a degree to do so much more. Why the hell am I so comfortable doing what I’m doing right now?

The way I see it… For a while, I’ve been yearning for a job that I could learn from & walk away with the best experience possible. And honestly, I think I’m getting that with Brug & I couldn’t be happier.

My friend Sumner & I were talking the other day… If someone had told me a year ago that when I applied to work at Brug I would end up in the position I’m about to be thrust upon now, I would have laughed in their face in doubt. But honestly, maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe something in the universe is telling me I’m supposed to take this experience, learn all I can, and in the future apply the knowledge I acquired to my own bakery :)

If that’s the case, I’m glad to take it all in stride. Maybe my next step will be…by 30, finally open my bakery? Lol we shall see.

Life coach incognito.

In my life, I have several different people who I occasionally turn to for advice or simply just to pick their brains for knowledge. But I swear, Patrick Oiye was summoned to be life coach. Heck, the entire crew at the Curb are a bunch of life savers! On days when I’m feeling stressed out & need a little pick me up, all I have to do is walk into the Curb for a latte of love and it’s like everything remotely bad in my life just disappears.

I walked in the other day, and as I ordered my latte, he asked me how my day was going. I uttered to him… “I feel like I wanna cry. I’m just so stressed.” And, just like that within seconds he turned my negative thoughts into a positive…

“Why are you stressed? Not about work, right?”

Yes, it was mostly work related. But, it was also a lot of other things on top of my already heavy work load.

“Don’t let a job stress you out, because let me tell you…they’d probably be more stressed out than you are now if you weren’t there.”

“…This is the way I see it. If it doesn’t make you happy, then change that. You should always be happy with what you’re doing & the people who surround you.”

He’s so right though. Thank goodness for Mr. Oiye & his inspiring words. :)

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

So, for the new year, I told myself I would write more.  I’m gonna try for on the daily, but we shall see how that goes…

The other day, in conversation with a friend, the 5 year question came up.  This one question always seems to come up in conversation no matter what. & that night was no exception. 

So, where do I see myself in 5 years??

This is really a difficult question for anyone to answer really. I mean, unless you’re absolutely sure about your path in life, then yeah it’s an easy answer.  But, really…no one can predict the future. That being said, I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it.  I think about it every day, and every year. 

With every new year, my answer to this question changes.  But, it’s 2014 now and this being the year I turn 25, I think this is bound to be the most essential year yet.  This year will probably be a factor in determining what my life will really be like in 5 years.

Of course by now, I have learned never to include specific people in my long term plans because well…they always end up leaving.  But with that said, as far as people in my life go, one thing is for sure…I especially hope my Curbie family is still with me in 5 years. And yes, I said FAMILY…because they really are. When I’m not at work or with my actual family, with these crazy coffee people is where I feel most comfortable and let’s be honest…I don’t know what I would do if I lost any of them! <3  I also hope that my BRUG people are still in my life.  Maybe not the company itself specifically, but the people that currently work there. I’ve come to really care about them.  

Also, in 5 years, I hope to be financially stable.  Hopefully by then, I will be really close to my new set goal of owning a business (if not already being there).  

Hopefully, I am also really close to paying off all of my school loans by then.  Because, in 5 years I also hope to be married or at least engaged.  Heck, I already have parts of my wedding planned out (my part at least)…the dress I want, list of bridesmaids, flower girl(s), and details for decor.  Is that crazy?  Oh well, I don’t care.  I just hope to find the one I’m supposed to be with forever soon…& yes, I say forever because in my book, there will be NO DIVORCE. I know what it’s like to have divorced parents & I absolutely refuse to put my children through that (when/if I do have children). Like I said in a previous post, I don’t care about any of that superficial stuff…money! who you’re friends with! etc! …as long as you give me the same trust and love, oh and of course, get along with my family!!! 

 

Today is a new day.

Today is a new day.

It apparently is the 1st day of Spring Semester. As everyone is getting ready for their first day of class, I woke up this morning with the intention to start a new. The point of this whole blog was for me to document my post-college journey, well….here we go.  This whole time my cousin has instilling little bits of advice in my head about how I should just forgo grad school & think about investing that money elsewhere.

Well, today…I had an epiphany. For as long as I can remember, I loved cooking. Baking especially. Basically, I loved being able to create crazy things with a stove/oven. I also love coffee and tea. I also love wine, but specifically sake. But, this morning…It just hit me.

Instead of dedicating another couple years getting a Masters degree that would most likely go to waste in the long run and investing another couple grand on school again, I will dedicate that time, maybe even less…writing up a business plan, figuring out a way to combine all of the ideas I just mentioned above, and working towards opening my own cafe/sake bar.

2014 is gonna be an amazing year. I can already tell. This will be the year of new and exciting things.

Kitchen Talks.

So, my roommate and I have this nightly ritual of sitting at the kitchen table talking…about anything whether it be how our day went, our families, our life growing up, current crushes, etc. Just to learn more about each other.

Our most recent topic….what type of guy (or in her case, girl) we see ourselves with and what we would expect in a relationship.

For me, I just want someone who will love me for me. Not ask me to change who I am, or force me to do anything I don’t want to do. Who will support me in all of my endeavors. Who will give me the space I need, when I need it. I don’t care about how much money you have or make, or how physically strong you are, I just want 100% trust and love. That’s it.

You give me that, and I promise to do the same in return. :)

Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014.

Today, my cousin brought up a very good question. 

“What are your goals for 2014?” And to be honest, I’ve been so busy that I hadn’t even thought about it…as many of the goals I have in mind are long term. Like, “where I see myself in 5 years (or 10)” kinda thing. Things like when I ultimately wanna get married, settle down & start a family kinds of things. 

Ultimately though, this year I hope to be better with money.  Although I think I do a decent job of budgeting my money, I have to admit that I could do a lot better. And with that, my main goal for 2014 is to get a better handle on my finances. Seeing as I now have rent, bills, and loans to pay off. 

Another goal of mine is to travel more.  There are a lot of places I wanna see and things I wanna do. I’ve said many times before, but I really would like to travel the world.  I ultimately hope to make it to Japan, but I also would love to go to China, Cambodia, Thailand, England, France, Italy, and Australia.  Not to mention, other states in the U.S. that are not California, Nevada, and Hawaii. <– That’s right…I have yet to go anywhere else.

One thing I ultimately want to do this year is sit down and have a rather long thought process & just settle on a career path.  I have all these ideas floating around in my head about what I wanna do. And, it’s about time I get on it!