I never felt so alone.

A few weeks ago, my wing woman, Kat messaged me saying that she felt really blue this Christmas season…because she felt so alone and far from her family.

The closer it gets to Christmas day and the New Year…. I could not agree with her more.

I’m feeling a little alone this season.  Actually, a lot alone.

My soul sister was just here visiting from Japan, but only like for a day.  Trust me, she and I were connected at the hip growing up…so spending only ONE day together…that is sure not enough for the two of us.  Especially considering we hadn’t seen each other in about a year.  So, lately for the past few days I’ve been feeling rather empty without her.

Then, you’ll go ahead and say…well, you still have your family.  Well, yes I do.  Except, I really don’t. Half of my family lives on the opposite side of the island, Waipahu and the other half…although they live closer to me, they’re most of time just as busy I am and we don’t really have time to get together.  And well…the rest of my family…they’re all on KAUAI.  Not to mention, I’m currently without a phone, so I can’t even make time to call any of them.

And, although I do have friends, they have their own families to spend time with…and I doubt any of them would be willing to give up time with their family to hangout with me. Not even my best friend.

You can only imagine how homesick and semi-heartbroken I’m feeling right now.

To my best friend.

I’m not really the religious type.  And although I may not completely believe that there is a god, I do believe in the existence of a higher power.  So, today…I am thankful for that higher power.  For one reason and one reason only…

For LIAM NISHIMURA.  Or, really…maybe I should thank his PARENTS. For adopting him and bringing him to Hawaii.

Liam, you’ve heard this all before but…

I knew you and I would be close from the moment I met you.  Why? because, we are alike in so many ways.  That’s why it’s so easy for us to read each other’s emotions.  That’s why we fight and bicker the way we do.  That’s why it’s so easy for us to reconcile later.  That’s why we get along so well. We understand each other.

And since you already know everything about me, I’m sure this goes without saying but…you saved my life.  That’s why I’m so thankful for you.  I’m sure that’s why my mom is thankful for you.  You told me never to push you away and that it would probably be the one thing I’d regret…trust me, I know that now.  Three days ago, I saw my life flash before my eyes.  I truly thought our friendship was over…just ask Aleishea.  I’m glad we got over that huge speed bump though.  Thank you for not staying mad at me.  Thank you for forgiving me.  Thank you for being my best friend.  Thank you for making me smile.  Thank you for being you.

HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY!!!

P.S. I’m proud of you. For taking school (and work) more seriously. For improving you health, staying in shape.  Someone’s becoming a man! :P

Ruv Ru!!! :)

The biggest turn off ever.

Today as I was walking to work, some guy snuck up behind me at the crosswalk, and grabbed my shoulder…it probably goes without saying, but yes, I got scared…for about 5 sec. until I realized it was just my coworker, Sean.

On our way to work then, our entire conversation was on the topic of what women go through on a daily basis when men decide to whistle and hit on them, and make crazy comments.  After mentioning that a similar situation happened with him when he said hi to one of our other female coworkers, and she looked at him like he was crazy, he asked me how many times does that sort of thing happen to me.  I said, it happens every time I’m on my way to work, or every time I just step foot outside our house, without fail.  “Oh, so like every single day?”  Yes, like every single day!! And it makes me sick.  Heck, it just happened seconds before I ran into him at the crosswalk, as I was getting off the bus!

He then, mentioned this video he had seen where a lady hid a camera in her bag just to video tape how many men would whistle and comment as she walked by.  I guess in this video she also talked about the reasoning for the rude comments that men make toward women… which brought up a good point!  What is the whole point of a man portraying himself that way??  What sort of thing does it accomplish?  Like whistling, yelling “hey, sexy!”, and commenting on asses will make us turn around and be like, “OMG! He’s so classy, I want to be with that guy.”  When the truth is, NO. No, that does not make men more attractive.  If anything, that’s probably the biggest turn off ever…like, really guys…that’s your smoothest move??? to whistle and yell from across the room or the parking lot, “damn, look at that ass!” or whatever.  Eww.

But, anyway…that subject brings me to the thing I’m thankful for today…

I’m thankful for my pepper spray, and other self defense things.  More than that, I’m thankful for my mom, for buying me that pepper spray.  Although you don’t need to be so worried about my safety mom, I’m glad you are…I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.  Also, although it may not be one of our proudest moments of growing up, I’m thankful for the constant fighting that used to happen between me and my brother, for now I know how to throw a proper punch if ever needed.

And, even more than that, I’m thankful for all the guys in my life…who in turn also act as my personal bodyguards Lol :p  Travis, James, Liam, and Mickey….thank you.

Not your typical Thank You.

Oops, I did it again.

So, anyone who knows me well knows that I have an issue with constantly pushing people away, especially the people closest to me and who care about me the most. Someone once asked me what it is exactly that I do to push them away…and today I was finally able to pin point it….But, I think I may have ruined something extremely valuable in the process.

After connecting the dots and stuff, I’ve come to realize that it usually happens around the time that I have my period. I have a problem with letting the little things get under my skin around this time…and it becomes worse around the ones I love. Let’s just say, I turn BITCH.

And, I keep pushing buttons until it explodes in my face. Today…that happened. And, I think this is the first time I’m going to regret something in my life. Truly.

Liam, I’m SORRY. :( x 1 fucking million. Please please do not let me push you away!!!! I cannot cannot lose you. You are the best person in my life right now and I really really really don’t know what I would do without you.

Liam, I ruvvv ruuuu!!!! Please forgive me. I can’t handle you being mad me.
<3

To my other brother.

“Stop trying to hide your smile.  I know you can’t stay mad at me for long.”

Today’s Thanksgiving post goes to my OTHER brother.

Travis, you are right. It’s hard for me to stay mad at you.  You definitely know how to get under my skin and you piss me off sometimes.  But more often than that, you are always looking out for me.  Just like any brother would. :)

Thank you also for your sense of humor and joyful outlook on life.  You always put a smile on my face.  Thank you for your easy going attitude.  Sometimes, it helps that you don’t take things too seriously…especially when I’m mad at you. Haha.

Thank you for being an awesome coworker and friend. Thank you for being a friendly reminder of my ACTUAL brother. :) Love you.

my so-called bucket list.

It’s currently 12:01am, and I should REALLY be sleeping…because well, I have to be up in less than 5 hours to go to work.  But, I think maybe my yoga session woke up my brain.  Now, I’m lying in bed and my mind is just racing…

So many thoughts and ideas are running through my mind.  Certain things happening at work have lately made me think a lot about my life, where it’s at now and where I want it to be in the future.  I have a lot of things I want to accomplish and I should probably start doing that.  Every time someone asked me what was on my bucket list, I always said I didn’t really have one…because really I didn’t.  I don’t really like to live according to a list…I just LIVE, that’s all. If that makes sense….kinda like, live in the moment and see where life takes me.  Heck, I don’t even really plan out what I’ll do for the day.

In some way though, I guess I do have a bucket list…a more sophisticated one, if you will. Of just a bunch of life goals I want to accomplish before I die. (and if they don’t happen, I would hope someone close to me would try to accomplish it in my honor) :)

GET A MASTERS DEGREE – In either International Business or Entrepreneurship. 

LEARN MORE – “Learn more.” Sounds stupid and a little vague.  But really, I want to gain more knowledge about a lot of things…especially marketing, web design, photography, even coffee and baking. (It’s probably a good thing then, that my boss is making me attend a web design class for a few days.) 

BE A MORE BEAUTIFUL PERSON — Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally.  Most people might disagree with me and be like, “What?! Girl, you’re crazy. You’re already beautiful all around.”  Although I can see how you might think that’s true, I personally know that there are certain parts about me physically, mentally, and emotionally that need to change.  Which is partially why I started yoga and meditation in the first place. 

OWN A BUSINESS — I already have an idea in my head. A pretty cool one at that, all thanks to Thomas Obungen. If not a sake and dessert bar, it’s going to be a photography cafe. I already have certain things for it planned out in my head and written down on paper, now it’s just a matter of when I’ll be able to execute it.  Probably not for many more years.  **I’m waiting for my BEST FRIEND to graduate college first, so he can help me like he promised ;) Haha. 

TRAVEL THE WORLD – Well, maybe not the ENTIRE world.  But, I do especially want to go to Japan, China, Thailand, England, France, and Australia.  Really though, and people might already know this due to a review I once wrote on Yelp, but I’m on a mission to find the best coffee shop in the world :p

PHILANTHROPY – That’s right.  I want to be a Philanthropist.  I’m a big believer in giving back to the community.  So, that is definitely one thing I plan to do, preferably using the “photography” part of my cafe as a vessel.  I also want to possibly start my OWN charity geared towards a cause close to my heart. 

And lastly…but absolutely NOT least (because I’ve talked about it many times before.)

FIND TRUE LOVE A love that is not forced, but natural.  A love that is based off one’s connection with the other person, and not purely physical.  A love that keeps progressing and never stops growing.  Sounds cheesy. But, it’s what I want.  Heck, it’s what every girl wants.  I want someone who will make me smile every day of my life, who I can have fun with, that I can trust with every secret that I have, and who will support me and all of my dreams, and of course, in return I’ll do the same. (After all, with all that money I plan to have in the future…I need someone to share it with) ;) Lol.

HARUTO.

I just realized I forgot to post yesterday.  But, whatever…I’ve had one heck of a day today, and I really don’t even care. :P

I just finished a really fulfilling yoga flow and meditation session. :D And, I’m completely at peace.

I can’t even express how much my life has transformed since I started doing yoga and meditation regularly.  It feels sooo AMAZING.  I know I definitely have work to do in both aspects, but I can honestly say that it’s starting to give me a different outlook on everything around me (if it hasn’t already).

Tonight, I’m especially thankful for my cousin Randy Haruto Ueda, for opening my eyes to the practice of meditation. :D  Thank you for your posts of inspiration on Facebook, and the advice you’ve given me. All I can say is, can you move here already and start a meditation group? Lol.

Love you.