Ok, so I lied. Yes, I lied…in a post I made about a year ago. Sorry bout it.
In my “Brighter than the Sun” post, I mentioned my moment of contemplating taking my life. Well, I should’ve been more clear then…there was actually more than one moment in my life where I contemplated taking my life.
The second time was maybe my second year in college…a time when not only was I stressed over my work load, but also a time when I made a lot of — I would say, regretful choices in my life. Including hanging with the wrong people and getting involved in some things that prior that moment, it would’ve never crossed my mind. Now, I’m not saying that I regret that time in my life…for, it was one of the funnest times of my life…and sometimes, just sometimes…I wish I could go back. It introduced me to some very, very interesting people (I still keep in contact with a few today, actually..the “good” ones of the bunch, I would say.) and it also taught me a lot about life in general. But, if I do regret one thing, is coming in contact with certain people of that that time in my life…because in the long run, their impact on me turned out to be very, very, VERY negative. And, in a way, was part of the reason why I contemplated taking my life a second time.
Well, that brings me to this post…the last post before I go off the media radar for a while. Not for long, I hope. For, most of my life revolves around social media…especially with my Yelpies.
Most of you might be thinking…”oh no! she contemplated suicide a third time”. Now, don’t worry…it hasn’t gone that far…..yet. I’m trying my best to nip it in the butt as fast as I can before it does.
Now, you know how some people say/think…”people who contemplate and commit suicide are selfish and just looking for attention??” Yeah, I used to be one of those people….until it happened to me. Now, I’m here to say….when someone you know says they want to take their life, don’t ignore them…and most of all, don’t make fun or tease them about it. You don’t know what they’re really going through and what you say or do could essentially make it worse.
This brings me back to a quote I included in another post few weeks ago…
“…something about rock bottom is appealing in a way. You stand at the top, but every now and then you look back down. That abyss you called home. It was almost comforting. It wants you to come back…like a magnetic pull. And some people will spend a lifetime fighting it.”
Yeah, this issue goes right in line with depression.
Lately, I’ve been having…I wouldn’t necessarily say “suicidal thoughts”. But more so…the same thoughts and/or feelings that triggered my contemplation the last few times.
You might now wonder….why?? Right. Like, “her life is so beautiful. She has so much ahead of her and so many people who love her.”
Yeah, I know…and, I am happy, for the most part. But, trust me…it really doesn’t feel beautiful at times…especially now. When you work pretty much everyday, sometimes with no day off (but it comes with the territory of my position, I guess), and have so much on your plate to deal with — rent, bills, and being thousands of dollars in debt and trying to pay that off slowly…pretty much all by yourself…with just one job at the moment. Not to mention, I’m also trying to get my masters, and learn three languages. Plus, I want to try and start working towards my goal of opening my cafe. Many people don’t know…but, I put aside a little bit of money every month to go towards that dream. So, it sucks when you start to feel like you’re drowning and have to dip into that money to pay off other things. It sucks even more when you really don’t have anyone to talk about all of this with… To make matters worse, you find out that someone who means a lot to you is sick and in remission with cancer…right before work, with your favorite person nonetheless. Yeah, sorry to Liam for being in such a bad mood today.
I’m starting to feel stuck…again. And, I just need to find my way back out of this whirlpool.