Because I’m tired of all the questions.

For many years, I’ve tried my best to hide a part of myself from everyone.  Other than my family, only a handful of friends close to me truly know…

“What’s wrong?”

“Are you ok?”

“Did you hurt yourself?”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why do you walk that way?”

“Does it affect the way you work?”

Yes…if you haven’t guessed already, I’m talking about the way I walk.  I was born with a disability.  A disability known as cerebral palsy.  If you google it, Wikipedia will tell you that it is “a general term for permanent, non-progressive movement which causes physical disability.”  In my case, it has affected my legs, and more specifically, the tendons in my ankles.  If you’ve read the book (or seen the movie), “My Left Foot”…my situation is basically the same, just not as drastic.  And well, for me, it’s more so my RIGHT foot. Lol.

For many years, I’ve gotten away with hiding it.  It’s the reason why I always prefer to wear pants, long dresses/skirts, shoes over slippers. Other than my family, only a few my friends have been fortunate to know the truth…for some, it was already obvious. For others, they weren’t sure and decided to ask about it.  Only recently, and I mean a few years, did I start to let go and tell more people.  Before that and even still today, I make up stories about how I twisted my ankle or stubbed my toe, etc.  And now, well…it’s time I tell everyone else and the WORLD.

Why the sudden decision? Well, I’d say probably because of work. And well, I’m tired, just tired of all the questioning, and me trying to avoid answering those questions.  From the day we began the Brug Community Program at work, and the first organizations we donated to were Shriners Hospital and Kapiolani Medical Center because they were important to the President of our company, I mentioned to a few coworkers about how excited I was about it because these two places are close to my heart also.  Many wondered why, and the truth is it’s because like how they are helping Miho’s (our President) son with his disability, they’ve done the same and more for me and my disability too.  I won’t go into complete detail about my disability, but I will leave you with the video below…which I had to create for a “disability and equality” class I took in college.

Although this video doesn’t go into much detail either, it does explain a lot about what I’ve had to go through because of my disability.  For many of my friends reading this, for you, it may explain why I am the way I am today.  If any of you have more questions, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

You truly do make my life THAT much better!

“Some days it’s easy to spiral back down into depression. I usually make my way down a few steps before I catch myself, or someone reminds me of how far I’ve come. It’s easy to walk down, harder to climb back up again.

…something about rock bottom is appealing in a way. You stand at the top, but every now and then you look back down. That abyss you called home. It was almost comforting. It wants you to come back…like a magnetic pull. And some people will spend a lifetime fighting it.” — FB status via Nicole Landry.

As soon as I saw this on Facebook, I couldn’t help but gravitate towards it. I immediately found it relative to my life. Not exactly saying I really suffered from depression….but then again, considering all I’ve been through and how much some of it still tends to bother me once in a while, maybe I did (or still do) sort of suffer from depression and I just haven’t come to accept it. …as happy and content as I am with my life, I somehow (still) find myself drifting off, thinking about all the bad stuff I’ve been through and eventually making myself miserable in the process.

Then, while reading Nicole’s status that’s when I realized how much I really do depend on staying busy and everyone around me to in a way keep my mind in a constant “happy” place. I realize that’s why I’m always at work, or at the Curb, or with Yelpies, or with my FAMILY….because I have to always be surrounded by people who love me and truly make me happy. Or else, my mind will just immediately go to a dark place where I break down and cry, eat or drink (alcohol) my feelings away, etc.

Which leads me to the real reason why I wrote this post… To thank each and every individual in my life at this moment who have truly made it that much better!!!! :D

ALEISHEA: my soul sister. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being the one constant in my life (besides my family). I don’t know what I would do I without you.

KAT: my wing woman. I love you too. Thank you for your beautiful soul. Thank you for being so awesome and outgoing, for it has forced me to be the same way.

NICOLE L: You and I have endured quite a lot throughout our friendship.  Most of which was my fault, for letting someone else dictate my thoughts and overall decisions.  But, I’m glad we’re over that speed bump. :P  Thank you for your advice, your knowledge, your sense of humor. Thank you for not holding grudges. Thank you for being you. :)

CURBIES (Sumner, Mats, Juli, Patrick, Jeri, Brian, James, etc.): Thank you for putting up with me and my coffee habit. Thank you for your love and friendship, and letting me be a part of your little crew (without actually being part of it lol).

JASMINE: Thank you for being a great roommate and someone I can always count on.

LIAM: You have become truly my best friend.  Thank you for being the one person (besides Aleishea) that I know will have my back forever.  Thank you for — the laughs. the smiles. the hugs. Thank you for talking to me. Listening to me. And, Putting up with the crap I put you through (sometimes). I love you & like Aleishea, I don’t know what I would do if I hadn’t met you either.

TRAVIS: my brother. like, almost literally.  I love you, I just love you.  And whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me forever bro! Lol. Thank you for everything.

And most importantly,

my FAMILY : I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.  YOU ARE ALL ONE IN MILLION (figuratively & literally :P).

& to my MOM & MICKEY: We fight and bicker like crazy. I’ve said and done some horrible things to you two over the years (and vice versa).  But I know you love me.  And regardless of what I’ve said in the past, please know that it was really just in the heat of the moment & I really didn’t mean any of it.  I would truly go INSANE if I didn’t have the two of you. <3

 

Just as I start to feel comfortable and content with certain situations in my life, all these unexpected things start to rise to the surface.

Judging by a few of my past posts, you could probably notice that I was really badly hurt during certain points in my life. More than once. In fact, literally by every single guy in my life… physically, mentally, and emotionally.

At this point, I’m surprised I even still find guys attractive. I’ve literally had my heart ripped out and fucking stomped on (to put it bluntly). And because of that, I’ve become accustomed to not being able to trust ANYONE, especially guys. I’ve especially become accustomed to ruining every relationship with a GOOD guy I’ve ever come close to (& this includes my FRIENDSHIPS with some guys).

A few weeks ago, in a conversation with my coworker (who I can honestly also say is my BEST FRIEND, probably YET), he basically told me (bluntly) that I should probably get help. Go see a psychologist or something. Well, I can’t thank him more for that…I guess you could call it motivation. I mean, it’s been something I’ve considered before but never really acted on it. But, this time, I was convinced and realized that at this point in my life, I really need to figure shit out with my love life. I can’t keep up with this pattern of locking people out of my life. Otherwise, I’ll constantly be unhappy with my life forever.

Well, lately I’ve been having short, casual, meetings with a family friend who specializes in helping people with stuff like this. Nothing legit, but basically someone who lets me vent about everything, and then they try to help me analyze it all.

I’ve finally come to terms with it all though…

It’s basically abuse, that I’ve been through…especially mentally. Which is why I get scared resulting in pushing guys away, even when they don’t deserve to be pushed away. And at my age, there’s not really any way for me to fix that issue. But instead, I need to learn to cope with it. Block all of it out. Surround myself with good people, and sort of filter out the bad.

You know, those inspirational quote things that say something along the lines of:
“I need to find the one person who is strong enough to knock down the brick wall in front of my heart”….or whatever? Yeah…that’s me, to a T.

I need to find someone who can understand how fragile I really am, but at the same time understand that I can be a hard ass once in a while (and they need to be able to handle that). I need someone who will support me, especially during the hardest times. Someone who will let me be me, not ask me to change. Someone I can trust with my whole heart. DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME. Someone who understands that I am an independent woman, and sometimes need my space…but also understand that at the same time, as independent as I am, I still need them to be there for everything. Someone I feel completely comfortable with, that will laugh with me and not at me.

Yes, my standards are pretty high. But, I’m still hopeful.

Interactive Cloud Made of 6,000 Light Bulbs

kaiyamane:

Super Cool.

Originally posted on e-MORFES:

cloud-1

CLOUD began as a large-scale interactive sculpture created from 6,000 light bulbs by Canadian artists Caitlind r.c. Brown & Wayne Garrett. The piece utilizes everyday domestic light bulbs and pull strings, re-imagining their potential to catalyze collaborative moments and create an experiential environment. As part of the process of building the sculpture, the artists collected burnt out incandescent light bulbs from the surrounding community, forging an informal relationship with non-artists, reducing costs, and asking audiences to reconsider household items in an alternative context. During exhibition, viewers interact with CLOUD, working as a collective to turn the entire sculpture on and off.

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All I need is time

Lately, everyone in my life has been prying in my love life…
At first, it was all in fun and I took it all with a grain of salt. One can only take so much meddling though.
Then, shit sorta hit the fan 2 days ago when some stuff went down (that I would rather not recall) with my so-called father. And, it just brought everything to terms for me.

….All I need is Time.

Time to think. Time to grow. Time to get shit together. (More) Time to heal.

Last night, in conversation with my best friend, I came to the realization how much of an effect my parents divorce, and more specifically my dad’s treatment towards me has actually had on me.

He’s the reason why I’m afraid.

He’s the reason why I’ve lacked self-confidence for so long.

He’s the reason why I can’t trust anyone, even myself.

He’s the reason why I think NO ONE loves me.

He’s the reason why I always push everyone away who start to love me.

He’s the reason why my heart is so jaded.

And, until I can figure out a way to get over all that…I can’t be in a relationship. I want to be able to let you in. I want to be able to give you all of me.

All I need is time. Time to find that one person who is strong enough to hold on to me. Don’t let me push you away.

25

This is apparently the year of all years. 25. Quarter of a century lived.

Sure, I planned to have a lot more accomplished by now. I hoped to have my own cafe & bakery by now. Or, on my way to being a history teacher. Or, at least have my life all figured out career wise.

Sure, you might look at my situation now, like I’m a cashier with a degree to do so much more. Why the hell am I so comfortable doing what I’m doing right now?

The way I see it… For a while, I’ve been yearning for a job that I could learn from & walk away with the best experience possible. And honestly, I think I’m getting that with Brug & I couldn’t be happier.

My friend Sumner & I were talking the other day… If someone had told me a year ago that when I applied to work at Brug I would end up in the position I’m about to be thrust upon now, I would have laughed in their face in doubt. But honestly, maybe this happened for a reason. Maybe something in the universe is telling me I’m supposed to take this experience, learn all I can, and in the future apply the knowledge I acquired to my own bakery :)

If that’s the case, I’m glad to take it all in stride. Maybe my next step will be…by 30, finally open my bakery? Lol we shall see.

Life coach incognito.

In my life, I have several different people who I occasionally turn to for advice or simply just to pick their brains for knowledge. But I swear, Patrick Oiye was summoned to be my life coach. Heck, the entire crew at the Curb are a bunch of life savers! On days when I’m feeling stressed out & need a little pick me up, all I have to do is walk into the Curb for a latte of love and it’s like everything remotely bad in my life just disappears.

I walked in the other day, and as I ordered my latte, he asked me how my day was going. I uttered to him… “I feel like I wanna cry. I’m just so stressed.” And, just like that within seconds he turned my negative thoughts into a positive…

“Why are you stressed? Not about work, right?”

Yes, it was mostly work related. But, it was also a lot of other things on top of my already heavy work load.

“Don’t let a job stress you out, because let me tell you…they’d probably be more stressed out than you are now if you weren’t there.”

“…This is the way I see it. If it doesn’t make you happy, then change that. You should always be happy with what you’re doing & the people who surround you.”

He’s so right though. Thank goodness for Mr. Oiye & his inspiring words. :)