One last post before I go.

Ok, so I lied. Yes, I lied…in a post I made about a year ago.  Sorry bout it.

In my “Brighter than the Sun” post, I mentioned my moment of contemplating taking my life.  Well, I should’ve been more clear then…there was actually more than one moment in my life where I contemplated taking my life.

The second time was maybe my second year in college…a time when not only was I stressed over my work load, but also a time when I made a lot of — I would say, regretful choices in my life.  Including hanging with the wrong people and getting involved in some things that prior that moment, it would’ve never crossed my mind.  Now, I’m not saying that I regret that time in my life…for, it was one of the funnest times of my life…and sometimes, just sometimes…I wish I could go back.  It introduced me to some very, very interesting people (I still keep in contact with a few today, actually..the “good” ones of the bunch, I would say.) and it also taught me a lot about life in general.  But, if I do regret one thing, is coming in contact with certain people of that that time in my life…because in the long run, their impact on me turned out to be very, very, VERY negative.  And, in a way, was part of the reason why I contemplated taking my life a second time.

Well, that brings me to this post…the last post before I go off the media radar for a while. Not for long, I hope.  For, most of my life revolves around social media…especially with my Yelpies.

Most of you might be thinking…”oh no! she contemplated suicide a third time”.  Now, don’t worry…it hasn’t gone that far…..yet.  I’m trying my best to nip it in the butt as fast as I can before it does.

Now, you know how some people say/think…”people who contemplate and commit suicide are selfish and just looking for attention??” Yeah, I used to be one of those people….until it happened to me.  Now, I’m here to say….when someone you know says they want to take their life, don’t ignore them…and most of all, don’t make fun or tease them about it.  You don’t know what they’re really going through and what you say or do could essentially make it worse.

This brings me back to a quote I included in another post few weeks ago…

“…something about rock bottom is appealing in a way. You stand at the top, but every now and then you look back down. That abyss you called home. It was almost comforting. It wants you to come back…like a magnetic pull. And some people will spend a lifetime fighting it.”

Yeah, this issue goes right in line with depression.

Lately, I’ve been having…I wouldn’t necessarily say “suicidal thoughts”.  But more so…the same thoughts and/or feelings that triggered my contemplation the last few times.

You might now wonder….why?? Right. Like, “her life is so beautiful.  She has so much ahead of her and so many people who love her.”

Yeah, I know…and, I am happy, for the most part.  But, trust me…it really doesn’t feel beautiful at times…especially now.  When you work pretty much everyday, sometimes with no day off (but it comes with the territory of my position, I guess), and have so much on your plate to deal with — rent, bills, and being thousands of dollars in debt and trying to pay that off slowly…pretty much all by yourself…with just one job at the moment. Not to mention, I’m also trying to get my masters, and learn three languages.  Plus, I want to try and start working towards my goal of opening my cafe.  Many people don’t know…but, I put aside a little bit of money every month to go towards that dream.  So, it sucks when you start to feel like you’re drowning and have to dip into that money to pay off other things.  It sucks even more when you really don’t have anyone to talk about all of this with… To make matters worse, you find out that someone who means a lot to you is sick and in remission with cancer…right before work, with your favorite person nonetheless.  Yeah, sorry to Liam for being in such a bad mood today.

I’m starting to feel stuck…again. And, I just need to find my way back out of this whirlpool.

Life Lesson # 1 million…

Life Lesson of the day:

If you’re unhappy with a certain part of your life, change it.  Don’t sit around and wait for that something or someone to change for you, because chances are it won’t happen.  Take the responsibility upon yourself and do something to make that part of your life better, whatever it may be.

If you ever wonder why I love hanging at the Curb so much…

Sure, it might have something to do with the amazing coffee they serve.

Or, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve grown to love those Curbies like they’re my family.

But, it’s mostly because of all the knowledge and inspiration I acquire just sitting in that little cafe…or coffee bar I should say.  I’ve learned so much more about coffee than I ever expected because of the Curb, it’s crazy. And without fail, I always walk away having learned some sort of life lesson also in the process. Today was no exception. Thanks to Patrick Oiye.

Thank goodness for baristas like Sumner, Juli, and Patrick…for, the three of them have made such a huge impact on my life (they probably don’t even realize it).  Most times, I’ll forgo hanging out with other people and/or doing something more exciting just to sit at this crazy coffee shop and talk to them all day.  I guess in a way you could say, the Curb is my place to escape from the world, where everything sort of stands still, and I have no worries what-so-ever.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing.

If you ask me, am I unhappy with my life? I will answer, no.

If you ask me, do I hate my life? I will answer, no.

If you ask me, am I happy with my life? I will answer, yes…and no. Not yet.

However, if you ask me, am I content with my life? I will answer, yes.

If you ask me, do I wish I had more? I will answer, yes.

But ask me, what would I change about it so that my answer would be, ‘I love my life’? I will answer, nothing. And, that’s the truth, nothing.

For me, it’s not a matter of changing my life to make it better.  It’s rather, just adding on new experiences and encounters…as I believe in having no regrets. It’s just, you live and you learn.

And lately, I’ve been learning a lot about myself. What kind of person I am, and want to be. What my life goals and dreams are. Who it is that I should and should not trust…and who I should or should not keep within my social circle.  At my cousin’s wedding last month, Emi (the Bride) uttered a quote she had read in a book, “There are three types of friends: friends of pleasure, friends of utility, and friends of virtue. Most of your friends will fall into at least one of these categories, but the ones who fall into all three are true.”

With all that being said, for me to be able to truly say that I love my life…

I would have to be stable in all aspects of my life.

The day that I have my own business, open my photography cafe, and/or am financially stable. The day that I am forever done with school, and have paid off all my school loans or have at least come half way. The day that I finally find a good guy, someone who is and/or can be my best friend, my lover, and my confidant. The day that I have finally surrounded myself with good friends, those that are true, those who I love and who love me.  That is when I will truly be happy and love my life.

For now, I’ll just keep calm and wait patiently for that day to come. For now, I’ll just have to keep working to accomplish all that I want to accomplish. For now, I’ll just have to thank everyone, whether I’ve known you for 10 yrs, 5 yrs, 1 yr, or even 6 months…thank all of you who are true.

Like grandmother, like granddaughter.

Sitting here with my family, listening to my grandmother talk with her siblings…

I am beginning to realize where a lot of my personality traits come from. And therefore, my mother’s personality traits also.

My grandpa, he’s normally the quiet one. The one who sits back, listens, and observes. He’s normally the one to listen first before he expresses his opinion, or sometimes doesn’t even say a word.

He’s the type of person to always put others before himself. He’s always willing to lend a helping hand. He’s the chivalrous one.

My grandma, she’s the talkative one. The aggressive one. The one that’s not afraid to speak her mind when necessary. She’s the nicest person, but she can also be your worst enemy.

Although she is very nurturing, she is also the one to tell you that sometimes you have to think about yourself and what you want. She’s very particular and knows what she wants, and she usually gets it even if she has to fight for it.

My mom, I realize now that she is the perfect balance of both those personalities. Like I mentioned in a previous post, she’s the nicest person in the world. She’s quiet, shy, and happy-go-lucky most of the time. Like a little ball of sunshine, as my friend Liam would say.

But…at the right moments, she can speak her mind and fight for what she wants. You piss her off enough, and she’ll bite your head off with words.

Me, well…I’m beginning realize now that I too, am the perfect balance of the two of them. I’m quiet and shy, but at the same time, I’m strong and independent. I’m not a fighter, but if I have to fight and speak up about something..I will bite your head off.

The more I think about it though, it’s a trend within my family on both sides of my family…. The women are usually a little more dominant than the man. I guess, now I know what I’m in for. Lol

The Next Step.

Everyone has that one day where they get a wake up call. The moment where you finally put your foot down and tell yourself “ok, it’s time for me to actually work towards my next goal.” The moment when you realize something about your lifestyle has to change.

Well, today was that day for me.

It’s time for me to actually start working on all the things I said I want to accomplish.

– Being fluent in more than two languages, I’m currently working on that.

– Going to grad school, I finally took the first step into that direction today by going to talk to an advisor.  Although my interest is still in Asian History, my plan is now to focus on business and marketing in an attempt to one day open my own photography cafe (thank you Thomas O. for the inspiration :D). Who knows, maybe I’ll find a way to incorporate my passion for history into my cafe idea somehow.

– Also, lately I’ve been going back and forth about re-opening my Etsy shop. Mainly because I could always use the extra money.  And today, yes…I have decided to do it.  :) Be on the look out!

A sense of reassurance.

All my life, I’ve had people worry about me.  And by people, I mean certain people within my family and certain close friends of mine.  And, I mean…to an extent, I totally understand given my disability and all… Especially for my family, I can see how me being on my own alone would be sort of scary for them. All my life, they’ve had to care for and nurture me, protect me from harm, and all that jazz. It’s only natural that they would worry now.

Lately though, I feel (because of certain events that have occurred) people have been worrying about me a lot more than usual.  I get it though, they love me. I know. ….and I love all of you for caring sooooo very much, trust me. <3

But let this be a sense of reassurance… for those in my family especially. You’ve raised me well… and YES, Everything you’ve taught me, all the advice you’ve given me…it’s with me every day.

For beauty advice, everything you’ve said to me growing up, grandma, I’ve taken into consideration… eyeliner and mascara, yes I use it. Red lipstick, still working on that. Parting my hair to the side, hated it before but yes I do that now. And, POND’S Moisturizing Cream has become a part of my daily routine.

For fashion and accessories, I get my inspiration from my cousins (Michele, you especially <3). At the same time, I can still hear the voice(s) of both my grandmothers every time I shop for new clothes. So, yes…I try to be sexy, but classy…always, or at least most of the time. …Haha, kidding.

For living expenses and household related issues, I hear my mom and my grandpa. They were always (and still are) talking to me about managing my money wisely, keeping things as organized as possible, and respecting the other person’s space (in regards to having roommates).

For friendship and social advice, I hear my mom especially… the two quotes that have stuck with me most…

“be the best friend anyone could ask for.”

“you need to learn how to say no sometimes, and not be so nice all the time. don’t let people take advantage of you.”

Sometimes I also hear my grandma Karen…

“don’t be afraid to speak your mind. it’s ok to be a bitch if necessary.”

For navigational advice, I listen my grandpa… one thing I remember when he taught me how to drive…

“don’t hesitate to take the long way around (if stuck in traffic), or panic if you take the wrong turn. A right and three lefts will usually get you back in the direction you really want to go.”

When it comes to dating and love advice (or anything related to that subject), I hear a mixture of the three women in my life… my mom, my grandma Connie, and my grandma Karen. Besides the basic, “make sure they respect and cherish you”…some of the things they’ve said include:

“Make sure you know how to cook, clean the house, and do laundry. No one’s gonna wanna marry a girl who doesn’t know how to do any of that.”

“Most men love a strong and independent woman.”

“Your body is your most prized possession, treasure it.”

“If he doesn’t have rough hands, he’s not hardworking.”

“Don’t change for anyone. Whoever you end up with will love you for who you are.”

And lastly, for my safety, well…don’t worry. I try not to stay out past a certain time unless I’m with someone else. And, that is why I carry various self-defense items in my bag and have certain people on speed dial. :) And, I’ve made friends who take very good care of me, and worry about me also…and I’m sure would come running in a heartbeat if I was ever in trouble. :)

So yes, rest assured. Family, I am fine. :) Trust me, your words run through my head on a daily basis!

It’s All About Me now…

All my life I’ve been “the nice girl”… The one who is always doing nice things for everyone else, always helping a friend in need. My mom essentially has the same problem, so I guess in a way that’s where I get it from. And growing up, to prevent me from becoming that way… She always used to tell me, “to learn how to say ‘no’ sometimes”. “You and I both… We need to learn how to be the bitch sometimes.” But, you know what they say…. Like mother, like daughter. And I guess in this case, it’s true.

I’m definitely too nice for my own good sometimes..and it’s a habit I need to learn to control. I need to learn when it’s ok to be the nice person, and when I should be the bitch. It’s definitely a lesson I’m learning right now in fact, being a manager and all…

Lately, I’ve realized that certain people have definitely taken advantage of my kindness…and I’m done.

I’m done, doing nice things for other people, helping them out and taking care of them….and NOT getting anything in return! I definitely need to be more selfish sometimes…and only dish out kindness to those who absolutely deserve it.