Like grandmother, like granddaughter.

Sitting here with my family, listening to my grandmother talk with her siblings…

I am beginning to realize where a lot of my personality traits come from. And therefore, my mother’s personality traits also.

My grandpa, he’s normally the quiet one. The one who sits back, listens, and observes. He’s normally the one to listen first before he expresses his opinion, or sometimes doesn’t even say a word.

He’s the type of person to always put others before himself. He’s always willing to lend a helping hand. He’s the chivalrous one.

My grandma, she’s the talkative one. The aggressive one. The one that’s not afraid to speak her mind when necessary. She’s the nicest person, but she can also be your worst enemy.

Although she is very nurturing, she is also the one to tell you that sometimes you have to think about yourself and what you want. She’s very particular and knows what she wants, and she usually gets it even if she has to fight for it.

My mom, I realize now that she is the perfect balance of both those personalities. Like I mentioned in a previous post, she’s the nicest person in the world. She’s quiet, shy, and happy-go-lucky most of the time. Like a little ball of sunshine, as my friend Liam would say.

But…at the right moments, she can speak her mind and fight for what she wants. You piss her off enough, and she’ll bite your head off with words.

Me, well…I’m beginning realize now that I too, am the perfect balance of the two of them. I’m quiet and shy, but at the same time, I’m strong and independent. I’m not a fighter, but if I have to fight and speak up about something..I will bite your head off.

The more I think about it though, it’s a trend within my family on both sides of my family…. The women are usually a little more dominant than the man. I guess, now I know what I’m in for. Lol

The Next Step.

Everyone has that one day where they get a wake up call. The moment where you finally put your foot down and tell yourself “ok, it’s time for me to actually work towards my next goal.” The moment when you realize something about your lifestyle has to change.

Well, today was that day for me.

It’s time for me to actually start working on all the things I said I want to accomplish.

– Being fluent in more than two languages, I’m currently working on that.

– Going to grad school, I finally took the first step into that direction today by going to talk to an advisor.  Although my interest is still in Asian History, my plan is now to focus on business and marketing in an attempt to one day open my own photography cafe (thank you Thomas O. for the inspiration :D). Who knows, maybe I’ll find a way to incorporate my passion for history into my cafe idea somehow.

– Also, lately I’ve been going back and forth about re-opening my Etsy shop. Mainly because I could always use the extra money.  And today, yes…I have decided to do it.  :) Be on the look out!

A sense of reassurance.

All my life, I’ve had people worry about me.  And by people, I mean certain people within my family and certain close friends of mine.  And, I mean…to an extent, I totally understand given my disability and all… Especially for my family, I can see how me being on my own alone would be sort of scary for them. All my life, they’ve had to care for and nurture me, protect me from harm, and all that jazz. It’s only natural that they would worry now.

Lately though, I feel (because of certain events that have occurred) people have been worrying about me a lot more than usual.  I get it though, they love me. I know. ….and I love all of you for caring sooooo very much, trust me. <3

But let this be a sense of reassurance… for those in my family especially. You’ve raised me well… and YES, Everything you’ve taught me, all the advice you’ve given me…it’s with me every day.

For beauty advice, everything you’ve said to me growing up, grandma, I’ve taken into consideration… eyeliner and mascara, yes I use it. Red lipstick, still working on that. Parting my hair to the side, hated it before but yes I do that now. And, POND’S Moisturizing Cream has become a part of my daily routine.

For fashion and accessories, I get my inspiration from my cousins (Michele, you especially <3). At the same time, I can still hear the voice(s) of both my grandmothers every time I shop for new clothes. So, yes…I try to be sexy, but classy…always, or at least most of the time. …Haha, kidding.

For living expenses and household related issues, I hear my mom and my grandpa. They were always (and still are) talking to me about managing my money wisely, keeping things as organized as possible, and respecting the other person’s space (in regards to having roommates).

For friendship and social advice, I hear my mom especially… the two quotes that have stuck with me most…

“be the best friend anyone could ask for.”

“you need to learn how to say no sometimes, and not be so nice all the time. don’t let people take advantage of you.”

Sometimes I also hear my grandma Karen…

“don’t be afraid to speak your mind. it’s ok to be a bitch if necessary.”

For navigational advice, I listen my grandpa… one thing I remember when he taught me how to drive…

“don’t hesitate to take the long way around (if stuck in traffic), or panic if you take the wrong turn. A right and three lefts will usually get you back in the direction you really want to go.”

When it comes to dating and love advice (or anything related to that subject), I hear a mixture of the three women in my life… my mom, my grandma Connie, and my grandma Karen. Besides the basic, “make sure they respect and cherish you”…some of the things they’ve said include:

“Make sure you know how to cook, clean the house, and do laundry. No one’s gonna wanna marry a girl who doesn’t know how to do any of that.”

“Most men love a strong and independent woman.”

“Your body is your most prized possession, treasure it.”

“If he doesn’t have rough hands, he’s not hardworking.”

“Don’t change for anyone. Whoever you end up with will love you for who you are.”

And lastly, for my safety, well…don’t worry. I try not to stay out past a certain time unless I’m with someone else. And, that is why I carry various self-defense items in my bag and have certain people on speed dial. :) And, I’ve made friends who take very good care of me, and worry about me also…and I’m sure would come running in a heartbeat if I was ever in trouble. :)

So yes, rest assured. Family, I am fine. :) Trust me, your words run through my head on a daily basis!

It’s All About Me now…

All my life I’ve been “the nice girl”… The one who is always doing nice things for everyone else, always helping a friend in need. My mom essentially has the same problem, so I guess in a way that’s where I get it from. And growing up, to prevent me from becoming that way… She always used to tell me, “to learn how to say ‘no’ sometimes”. “You and I both… We need to learn how to be the bitch sometimes.” But, you know what they say…. Like mother, like daughter. And I guess in this case, it’s true.

I’m definitely too nice for my own good sometimes..and it’s a habit I need to learn to control. I need to learn when it’s ok to be the nice person, and when I should be the bitch. It’s definitely a lesson I’m learning right now in fact, being a manager and all…

Lately, I’ve realized that certain people have definitely taken advantage of my kindness…and I’m done.

I’m done, doing nice things for other people, helping them out and taking care of them….and NOT getting anything in return! I definitely need to be more selfish sometimes…and only dish out kindness to those who absolutely deserve it.

Because I’m tired of all the questions.

For many years, I’ve tried my best to hide a part of myself from everyone.  Other than my family, only a handful of friends close to me truly know…

“What’s wrong?”

“Are you ok?”

“Did you hurt yourself?”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why do you walk that way?”

“Does it affect the way you work?”

Yes…if you haven’t guessed already, I’m talking about the way I walk.  I was born with a disability.  A disability known as cerebral palsy.  If you google it, Wikipedia will tell you that it is “a general term for permanent, non-progressive movement which causes physical disability.”  In my case, it has affected my legs, and more specifically, the tendons in my ankles.  If you’ve read the book (or seen the movie), “My Left Foot”…my situation is basically the same, just not as drastic.  And well, for me, it’s more so my RIGHT foot. Lol.

For many years, I’ve gotten away with hiding it.  It’s the reason why I always prefer to wear pants, long dresses/skirts, shoes over slippers. Other than my family, only a few my friends have been fortunate to know the truth…for some, it was already obvious. For others, they weren’t sure and decided to ask about it.  Only recently, and I mean a few years, did I start to let go and tell more people.  Before that and even still today, I make up stories about how I twisted my ankle or stubbed my toe, etc.  And now, well…it’s time I tell everyone else and the WORLD.

Why the sudden decision? Well, I’d say probably because of work. And well, I’m tired, just tired of all the questioning, and me trying to avoid answering those questions.  From the day we began the Brug Community Program at work, and the first organizations we donated to were Shriners Hospital and Kapiolani Medical Center because they were important to the President of our company, I mentioned to a few coworkers about how excited I was about it because these two places are close to my heart also.  Many wondered why, and the truth is it’s because like how they are helping Miho’s (our President) son with his disability, they’ve done the same and more for me and my disability too.  I won’t go into complete detail about my disability, but I will leave you with the video below…which I had to create for a “disability and equality” class I took in college.

Although this video doesn’t go into much detail either, it does explain a lot about what I’ve had to go through because of my disability.  For many of my friends reading this, for you, it may explain why I am the way I am today.  If any of you have more questions, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

You truly do make my life THAT much better!

“Some days it’s easy to spiral back down into depression. I usually make my way down a few steps before I catch myself, or someone reminds me of how far I’ve come. It’s easy to walk down, harder to climb back up again.

…something about rock bottom is appealing in a way. You stand at the top, but every now and then you look back down. That abyss you called home. It was almost comforting. It wants you to come back…like a magnetic pull. And some people will spend a lifetime fighting it.” — FB status via Nicole Landry.

As soon as I saw this on Facebook, I couldn’t help but gravitate towards it. I immediately found it relative to my life. Not exactly saying I really suffered from depression….but then again, considering all I’ve been through and how much some of it still tends to bother me once in a while, maybe I did (or still do) sort of suffer from depression and I just haven’t come to accept it. …as happy and content as I am with my life, I somehow (still) find myself drifting off, thinking about all the bad stuff I’ve been through and eventually making myself miserable in the process.

Then, while reading Nicole’s status that’s when I realized how much I really do depend on staying busy and everyone around me to in a way keep my mind in a constant “happy” place. I realize that’s why I’m always at work, or at the Curb, or with Yelpies, or with my FAMILY….because I have to always be surrounded by people who love me and truly make me happy. Or else, my mind will just immediately go to a dark place where I break down and cry, eat or drink (alcohol) my feelings away, etc.

Which leads me to the real reason why I wrote this post… To thank each and every individual in my life at this moment who have truly made it that much better!!!! :D

ALEISHEA: my soul sister. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being the one constant in my life (besides my family). I don’t know what I would do I without you.

KAT: my wing woman. I love you too. Thank you for your beautiful soul. Thank you for being so awesome and outgoing, for it has forced me to be the same way.

NICOLE L: You and I have endured quite a lot throughout our friendship.  Most of which was my fault, for letting someone else dictate my thoughts and overall decisions.  But, I’m glad we’re over that speed bump. :P  Thank you for your advice, your knowledge, your sense of humor. Thank you for not holding grudges. Thank you for being you. :)

CURBIES (Sumner, Mats, Juli, Patrick, Jeri, Brian, James, etc.): Thank you for putting up with me and my coffee habit. Thank you for your love and friendship, and letting me be a part of your little crew (without actually being part of it lol).

JASMINE: Thank you for being a great roommate and someone I can always count on.

LIAM: You have become truly my best friend.  Thank you for being the one person (besides Aleishea) that I know will have my back forever.  Thank you for — the laughs. the smiles. the hugs. Thank you for talking to me. Listening to me. And, Putting up with the crap I put you through (sometimes). I love you & like Aleishea, I don’t know what I would do if I hadn’t met you either.

TRAVIS: my brother. like, almost literally.  I love you, I just love you.  And whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with me forever bro! Lol. Thank you for everything.

And most importantly,

my FAMILY : I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.  YOU ARE ALL ONE IN MILLION (figuratively & literally :P).

& to my MOM & MICKEY: We fight and bicker like crazy. I’ve said and done some horrible things to you two over the years (and vice versa).  But I know you love me.  And regardless of what I’ve said in the past, please know that it was really just in the heat of the moment & I really didn’t mean any of it.  I would truly go INSANE if I didn’t have the two of you. <3

 

Just as I start to feel comfortable and content with certain situations in my life, all these unexpected things start to rise to the surface.

Judging by a few of my past posts, you could probably notice that I was really badly hurt during certain points in my life. More than once. In fact, literally by every single guy in my life… physically, mentally, and emotionally.

At this point, I’m surprised I even still find guys attractive. I’ve literally had my heart ripped out and fucking stomped on (to put it bluntly). And because of that, I’ve become accustomed to not being able to trust ANYONE, especially guys. I’ve especially become accustomed to ruining every relationship with a GOOD guy I’ve ever come close to (& this includes my FRIENDSHIPS with some guys).

A few weeks ago, in a conversation with my coworker (who I can honestly also say is my BEST FRIEND, probably YET), he basically told me (bluntly) that I should probably get help. Go see a psychologist or something. Well, I can’t thank him more for that…I guess you could call it motivation. I mean, it’s been something I’ve considered before but never really acted on it. But, this time, I was convinced and realized that at this point in my life, I really need to figure shit out with my love life. I can’t keep up with this pattern of locking people out of my life. Otherwise, I’ll constantly be unhappy with my life forever.

Well, lately I’ve been having short, casual, meetings with a family friend who specializes in helping people with stuff like this. Nothing legit, but basically someone who lets me vent about everything, and then they try to help me analyze it all.

I’ve finally come to terms with it all though…

It’s basically abuse, that I’ve been through…especially mentally. Which is why I get scared resulting in pushing guys away, even when they don’t deserve to be pushed away. And at my age, there’s not really any way for me to fix that issue. But instead, I need to learn to cope with it. Block all of it out. Surround myself with good people, and sort of filter out the bad.

You know, those inspirational quote things that say something along the lines of:
“I need to find the one person who is strong enough to knock down the brick wall in front of my heart”….or whatever? Yeah…that’s me, to a T.

I need to find someone who can understand how fragile I really am, but at the same time understand that I can be a hard ass once in a while (and they need to be able to handle that). I need someone who will support me, especially during the hardest times. Someone who will let me be me, not ask me to change. Someone I can trust with my whole heart. DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME. Someone who understands that I am an independent woman, and sometimes need my space…but also understand that at the same time, as independent as I am, I still need them to be there for everything. Someone I feel completely comfortable with, that will laugh with me and not at me.

Yes, my standards are pretty high. But, I’m still hopeful.