Why do people look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them I’ve found my soulmate and my heart belongs to someone who will probably never love me the same way?
Sure, I may be ONLY 25 years old. Sure, I still have many more years ahead of me and a lot of life to live. Sure, I may sound quite pessimistic.
And I know what you’ll all say, as the three people I already told have said the same thing…
“How do you know, Kai? There’s still so many people out there for you to meet.”
Yes, I know it may sound crazy to hear me say that my heart is basically off the market forever. But my answer to all those in disbelief is…
I know. I just do. And you know how I know…
-By the way I feel when I’m just texting him or talking to him on the phone. By the way I feel when I’m just in the same room with him… I feel whole. I feel happy, no matter how my day is going a smile always comes upon my face when I see him. I feel invincible, a sense of confidence. I feel like I can do anything and nothing can hurt me.
-By the way I feel when he suddenly leaves the room or is no longer by my side…. I suddenly feel empty. My heart sinks and I suddently feel like someone just died or my heart got ripped out of my chest.
-By how much I think about him and worry about his well being every day that I’m not with him… and how much I want to take care of him.
-By how much we fight and bicker, but no matter what I can never stay mad at him for more than 20 minutes.
-By the course of our friendship. How it feels like I’ve known him for my ENTIRE life, but really we’ve only known each other for a year because of work.
-By what happens when I’m spending time with him… I forget about everything. Everything and everyone around me suddenly doesn’t exist for that short period of time…every worry in the world, suddenly goes out the window. I don’t think about anything, not work or any other problems I may be facing in my life. I’m at peace.
-By the way I feel when I’m standing next to him as he flirts and/or touches another girl… Inside, I’m raging with anger and hate, but on the outside, I put on a smile and pretend like everything is just fine. I feel numb and I just end up not caring that he does all of that….because at the end of the day, just having him in my life, even if just as a BEST FRIEND, makes me happy.
The feeling is just DIFFERENT this time. Significantly different.
I’ve spent lots of time thinking about this (including on my walk home tonight) and shed lots of tears in the process… But trust me, I know myself and I know my heart. And so, I just need people to stop questioning my feelings… I’ll be fine. I’LL BE FINE.
I’m not saying I’m closing myself off from all other chances of love completely… I’m just saying that other person whomever it may be (if not HIM) will just have to live with the fact that they will never have my whole heart. That’s it.