It’s a completely DIFFERENT feeling.

Why do people look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them I’ve found my soulmate and my heart belongs to someone who will probably never love me the same way?

Sure, I may be ONLY 25 years old. Sure, I still have many more years ahead of me and a lot of life to live. Sure, I may sound quite pessimistic.
And I know what you’ll all say, as the three people I already told have said the same thing…

“How do you know, Kai? There’s still so many people out there for you to meet.”

Yes, I know it may sound crazy to hear me say that my heart is basically off the market forever. But my answer to all those in disbelief is…

I know. I just do.  And you know how I know…

-By the way I feel when I’m just texting him or talking to him on the phone. By the way I feel when I’m just in the same room with him… I feel whole. I feel happy, no matter how my day is going a smile always comes upon my face when I see him. I feel invincible, a sense of confidence. I feel like I can do anything and nothing can hurt me.

-By the way I feel when he suddenly leaves the room or is no longer by my side…. I suddenly feel empty. My heart sinks and I suddently feel like someone just died or my heart got ripped out of my chest.

-By how much I think about him and worry about his well being every day that I’m not with him… and how much I want to take care of him.

-By how much we fight and bicker, but no matter what I can never stay mad at him for more than 20 minutes.

-By the course of our friendship.  How it feels like I’ve known him for my ENTIRE life, but really we’ve only known each other for a year because of work.

-By what happens when I’m spending time with him… I forget about everything.  Everything and everyone around me suddenly doesn’t exist for that short period of time…every worry in the world, suddenly goes out the window.  I don’t think about anything, not work or any other problems I may be facing in my life. I’m at peace.

-By the way I feel when I’m standing next to him as he flirts and/or touches another girl… Inside, I’m raging with anger and hate, but on the outside, I put on a smile and pretend like everything is just fine. I feel numb and I just end up not caring that he does all of that….because at the end of the day, just having him in my life, even if just as a BEST FRIEND, makes me happy.

The feeling is just DIFFERENT this time. Significantly different.

I’ve spent lots of time thinking about this (including on my walk home tonight) and shed lots of tears in the process… But trust me, I know myself and I know my heart.  And so, I just need people to stop questioning my feelings… I’ll be fine. I’LL BE FINE.

I’m not saying I’m closing myself off from all other chances of love completely… I’m just saying that other person whomever it may be (if not HIM) will just have to live with the fact that they will never have my whole heart. That’s it.

I’m sorry to any guy who comes after my best friend 5ever.

They say that a person’s life experiences make them who they are…

So then, someone who was born with a disability and has been constantly viewed as weak,
Of course, they would find a way to be independent and strong.

So then, someone who’s been made fun of their entire life because of that disability,
Of course, they would be extra sensitive to discriminating jokes and being the butt of any joke in general.

So then, someone who’s had everyone close to her take advantage of her kindness,
Of course, they would grow to be cautious of who they befriend and trust.

So then, someone who’s been beaten or abused physically and mentally,
Of course, they would grow to be afraid, afraid of everything and anything remotely harmful that came their way.

They say that a girl’s path to true love is often determined by her relationship with her father and the way that her parents loved each other…

So then, a girl whose father never really seemed invested in a relationship with her,
Of course, she would grow to feel neglected and eventually also feel a void.

So then, a girl whose parents seemed so in love but eventually after 15 years of marriage got divorced,
Of course, she would grow up with a brick wall in front of her heart and so afraid to fall in love.

But what about the moment when you actually do fall in love and find your soul mate? What happens then…

The answer to that, I’m not entirely sure.

But, what I do know is this…
any guy who unfortunately comes into my life now, will have some really big shoes to fill. And unfortunately, anyone who enters my love life now (following my best friend 5ever) will never truly have my heart and love.

If I can’t have my best friend in love,  I would rather be single and alone forever than to lie and be the heartbreaker to another guy.
The only thing I can do now is to put all of the love and passion into my career and building my dream.

A new year, a new me.

As I welcome 2015, I have decided to embrace this year with open arms and start everything anew.

Last month, my boss gave me some wise words…in order to be a good role model and leader, I need to remain humble and make sure the people around me are happy “on their own stage” (speaking in performance terms).  And in order to do that, I need to be happy and confident with my own life, and in order to do that…well, I need to change certain parts of my lifestyle and the way I live.

When she first told me this, you can just imagine I had no idea what she was talking about.  But, the more time I spend thinking about what she said, the more it makes sense to me.  It took a few weeks to sink in, but I woke up one day…and asked myself, who am I? Who do I want to be? and said, today is a new day.  I’ve finally decided to fully embrace all of what she’s been telling me. And, this year….shall be BRAND NEW.

For those of you who have known me for some time now, you might be thinking…I’m crazy and I shouldn’t have  to change.  Well, don’t worry so much!  I will NOT change completely.  I am still gonna be the same sweet and adorable Asian girl you all know….just new and improved in certain aspects of my life.

Like I said, my new years resolution is to mature and become a more beautiful person.

Step one, was improving my health.  That is where Yoga and a gym membership come in.  And, let me tell you…since recently doing Yoga regularly, I’m beginning to feel more confident in myself physically than I ever did before.

Step two, was improving my look.  Shachou says my strength here is the way I dress.  According to her, I’ve already succeeded there, as I already know what clothes looks good on me and accentuates the right parts of my body.  That, and my “flawless” skin? Lol.  But, part two of step two…that’s where the new haircut and the occasional makeup comes in.  The bangs, were 100% my idea, btw.  I just wanted and needed something different, so I took it back to my childhood. Which I’m glad I did now, the new cut has officially grown on me and I’ve decided to ROCK it.

Step three, live happier. Smile more, not let the little things bother so much, and surround myself with happy people ALWAYS.  Lately, I’ve been missing my “curbie” life :P …I think I’ll start there and make my way back.  Yes, I miss you tremendously fam…aka Sumner, Patrick, Juli, Chels, Jeri, Bob, Rick, Clara, and whoever else I missed. There are too many to mention. This step is also where meditation comes in…time for a new frame of thought.

And well, the next steps are to be determined…but, shall include…

-reorganizing my life.  -restarting my Etsy shop?  -possibly a new phone & service provider  –and a new wardrobe?

…Stay tuned to see what happens. I promise you, I am going to make 25 MY YEAR. :)

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015.

2014…

Honestly, at 25…I thought I’d be farther along in my career path and life.  But, oh well… I will take my life experiences as they come, even if it means it will take me longer to get to where I want to be.

Overall, It’s been a good year.

Sure, I had a lot of low points…many of which I wish I never had. I faced many challenges, and conquered some fears.  But, all those low points…were balanced out by many highs, many of which I’m grateful for.

I want to thank all of you who helped me get through this year…

Sumner and Patrick, for your friendship, love, and support.  Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, and taught me about coffee and life, seriously. :)

Makana, love you cousin.  Thank you for always being there for me this year, and every year since I’ve moved here.  Thank you for all our beer:30 meetings and all of your career/business/life advice.

Michele, thanks to you and Nik for always being there for me and allowing me to tag along at dinner(s) and all your little outings. :P Love and Miss you!

Randy and Ashlyn, thank you for being my inspirations in yoga and meditation.  I have found a new light in my life…and I hope to continue with this path and practice. :)

Aleishea and Kat, my soul sister and wing woman.  Thank you for the continuous love and support through the toughest moments of my life this year…even from a million miles away.  Love you both!

Shachou and Frances, for guiding me through my new journey as assistant manager. Thank you for believing in me and giving me this opportunity.  I promise to take full advantage of this opportunity you’ve given me, to learn from it, and get better! :D

Liam, my best friend 5ever.  You are probably the one person I am most grateful for meeting this year.  I will cherish your friendship and love 5ever.  Thank you for everything you’ve done for me this year. And I hope you know I’m here for you always…just as much as you’ve been there for me. <3 <3

Travis, my other brother.  You’re the second person I’m probably most grateful for meeting this year.  Thank you for always being there for me, thanks for taking care of me.  And, especially thank you for the moments of tough love.

James and Jessica, thank you for the late nights, yakiniku and beer outings, laughs, and the smiles. You two helped make this year fun!

Darin, thank you for always coming to my rescue. Lol…especially when I need rides to the airport or elsewhere.  Love you.

And to the rest of my family…thanks for the unconditional love.

With that said, here’s to an even better 2015 and I shall leave you with this video…of the song that is the epitome of my year.

If I shall die young…

Yesterday saw another close call crossing the street last night, and to follow the words of my roommate who said, “maybe you’re some kind of charm for speeding cars, kai.”

No, but really. If I were to die one day, as sad as it sounds, I feel like that is most likely how I would suddenly lose my life…getting hit by a speeding car.  It’s happened too many times to even count.

…and really, because it’s happened way too many times to count, I recently decided to start a journal a few months ago…after probably the closest call yet. A journal of special messages to people whether friends or family who mean A LOT to me, just in case I never get to say everything I want to say to them shall something happen to me.  Let’s hope it doesn’t…but, you never know.  I’ve lost too many friends to count because their lives were cut way too short and if there’s one thing I’ve learned throughout my life, is that life is short.

So, yes…If I shall die young, know that there is a journal somewhere in my room (my sister should know the exact location) which a bunch of people need to see, including (but not limited to) my BEST FRIEND 5ever Liam, my mom, my brother (and my other brother Travis), and my sister.  Trust me, there’s important shit in there. :)

I never felt so alone.

A few weeks ago, my wing woman, Kat messaged me saying that she felt really blue this Christmas season…because she felt so alone and far from her family.

The closer it gets to Christmas day and the New Year…. I could not agree with her more.

I’m feeling a little alone this season.  Actually, a lot alone.

My soul sister was just here visiting from Japan, but only like for a day.  Trust me, she and I were connected at the hip growing up…so spending only ONE day together…that is sure not enough for the two of us.  Especially considering we hadn’t seen each other in about a year.  So, lately for the past few days I’ve been feeling rather empty without her.

Then, you’ll go ahead and say…well, you still have your family.  Well, yes I do.  Except, I really don’t. Half of my family lives on the opposite side of the island, Waipahu and the other half…although they live closer to me, they’re most of time just as busy I am and we don’t really have time to get together.  And well…the rest of my family…they’re all on KAUAI.  Not to mention, I’m currently without a phone, so I can’t even make time to call any of them.

And, although I do have friends, they have their own families to spend time with…and I doubt any of them would be willing to give up time with their family to hangout with me. Not even my best friend.

You can only imagine how homesick and semi-heartbroken I’m feeling right now.

To my best friend.

I’m not really the religious type.  And although I may not completely believe that there is a god, I do believe in the existence of a higher power.  So, today…I am thankful for that higher power.  For one reason and one reason only…

For LIAM NISHIMURA.  Or, really…maybe I should thank his PARENTS. For adopting him and bringing him to Hawaii.

Liam, you’ve heard this all before but…

I knew you and I would be close from the moment I met you.  Why? because, we are alike in so many ways.  That’s why it’s so easy for us to read each other’s emotions.  That’s why we fight and bicker the way we do.  That’s why it’s so easy for us to reconcile later.  That’s why we get along so well. We understand each other.

And since you already know everything about me, I’m sure this goes without saying but…you saved my life.  That’s why I’m so thankful for you.  I’m sure that’s why my mom is thankful for you.  You told me never to push you away and that it would probably be the one thing I’d regret…trust me, I know that now.  Three days ago, I saw my life flash before my eyes.  I truly thought our friendship was over…just ask Aleishea.  I’m glad we got over that huge speed bump though.  Thank you for not staying mad at me.  Thank you for forgiving me.  Thank you for being my best friend.  Thank you for making me smile.  Thank you for being you.

HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY!!!

P.S. I’m proud of you. For taking school (and work) more seriously. For improving you health, staying in shape.  Someone’s becoming a man! :P

Ruv Ru!!! :)